The other day I asked a friend to describe me based on my writing suppose we had never met. It was on a Tuesday mid-morning, I was seated in the boardroom at work chowing down on these two overpriced chapos (20 bob a piece, can you believe these people??)  as I washed them down with hot tea (I was fuckin’ hungry), Naaman’s laptop was humming softly as it sat in front of me. On the screen was Biko’s website.

I did that out of vanity I guess, I needed to know what kind of a person my work said of me. You know, like Biko whom we have all formed an opinion about based on what we see in his work, yet he might be the complete opposite.

From his work, I have deduced that Biko is this tall dark guy with a forehead the size of Miguna Miguna’s ego, who wears geeky spectacles, not to be cool or anything, but because he would be a bat without them.

In my head he wears checked shirts, with cream khaki pants pairing it with a pair of these brown shoes that people love to wear these days (I don’t know what they are called) completing the look with a brown belt. In my head, he is a watch person, and since today we are dressing Biko up, it’s only right to finish it up with a watch right? How about a Hugo Boss watch? I am picturing a soft spoken man. A man who, if his writing is anything to go by, is funny and full of wit. A person whose demeanor is that of one who is well read and travelled; one whose words are pregnant with wisdom; someone you’ll not be bored listening to. Confidence oozing off him like steam from a hot ugali.

The friend asked if Biko and Oyunga Pala were taking a stroll in my head and I said noooo… only Julia knows what that “noooo” means. Biko describes Oyunga as not looking, or sounding like his writing. He says that before he met him, he “expected a brash and boisterous lad who stood in the middle of the room with a beer in hand” but the person he found was a “reflective man who walked alone in his own shadow created by his legend”. This got me thinking, do I sound or look like my work? What opinions would someone have of me based on what I write? So I shot Flow a text and asked her the kind of person my work portrays me to be.

An extrovert… someone who likes to shout so that he gets the attention of everyone who cares (or doesn’t care) to listen. Someone who curses at every opportunity he gets. Calls dibs on every cute chiq that he sets his eyes on.  The kind that after every event will not leave without a chiq locked arm in arm to God knows where…

I was like, naah, this person sounds a lot more fun. I am about as fun as a freaking sick tortoise; and even that is putting it mildly. Except for the cursing part; I curse a lot! When in public I do it in my head. The number of times I say ‘fuck you motherfucker’ in my head is infinite. About hitting on every cute chick I set my eyes on, hehe, let’s just say I go for beautiful, not cute and we all know there are few of those. Also, I won’t go home with a chiq “locked arm in arm” because well, I’m not a man whore… or… I’m probably keeping myself pure for the “right” woman. Or I’m just a loser. Oh, and it’s always not as easy as movies try to portray, not the loser bit, the going to “God knows where” with a girl part.

I read somewhere that the people around us fall in love with the perceptions and warped imagery they have concocted of us in their heads rather than who we truly are. How true is this? Let’s take an example of an artist; we tend to fall for the artist’s art and not the person. We get into relationships with such people because of their art, thinking that their art is a mirror of who they really are, when in reality they are not, and we end up feeling all disappointed.

A while back a girl DM’d me on instagram saying that she has read my blog and she thinks I’m funny, witty and would I mind telling her more about myself? I checked her profile. She was beautiful, with a beautiful smile. She lived in Nairobi, but from Mombasa. She was a writer as well; though her writings were based on controversial topics whereas mine were snippets of my everyday life and thoughts. Boring stuff.

Thing is, the girl was drawn to me because of who she thought I was based on what she read. I may turn out to be a psychopath hiding behind a veil of neatly arranged words when in real sense my thoughts, my body, and my soul are yearning for blood!!! She thought I was this funny guy who never ran out of what to talk about during lunch dates; one who would make her laugh till she choked on her own saliva. When in real sense, I am that quiet guy who doesn’t know what to say beyond the sun is quite out today amirite?  Things were all milkshakes and ice cream until I called her this one time. It was  the first and last time I called her. Suffice to say, my gibberish speaking tendencies didn’t augur well with her and I didn’t even get to second base.

Most relationships don’t work these days because people get into them for the obvious wrong reasons. Men of course will get into relationships mostly because of the sex. We see a big round booty and that head between our thighs tells us that we need to tap that. Then the girl will be like, so that’s all you wanted. And we’ll be like, duuuhhhh…. Girls on the other hand, from my little experience, go with what they think that person is; kind, caring, loving, a gentleman…si you all know those adjectives that describe the “perfect” man? Did I mention he has to have money? No? Well there you have it.  I will definitely be castrated for this, but we all know it’s true, as much as we deny it. How else would he take care of me? We won’t eat love now would we? That is the mentality of some girls.  A while back I was having a discussion with two of my colleagues, a dude and a chic. The chic was like, “men shouldn’t date if they don’t have money”. Boy did I feel sorry for myself!! Broke dudes, please keep off. Unless you are ‘cute’, you might find one who is willing to tolerate your brokenness. But if you are broke and ugly, boy bye

Girls form fantasies in their heads of unicorns and rainbows; I have finally found the perfect man. They all come with their emotions, a shitload of it I might add, into that relationship only to be disappointed, ending up living by the “all me are dogs” mantra.

People are not what/who they truly are… they are what/who they want someone to think he/she is. These days, relationships are based on lies. We get into them driven by our own selfish desires; lust, loneliness… etc. To some extent, love is an illusion. It is this overrated thing that gets in people’s heads and they end up believing their world would end if ever that person leaves.

To tell you the truth, I also don’t know how this post became a rant. I should probably end it here before someone calls me a cynic, which I actually am, but that’s beside the point.

Thoughts as at 22/7

Edited by Flowzie Cadet, mind behind #KenyanGirlConfession….




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